A Mother's Day blog

I really should be doing about a million other things right now, but I wanted to take a moment and feed my new addiction: blogging.

In honor of Mother's Day tomorrow, I feel a little bit emotional. Mother's Day is bittersweet for me for several reasons.

I first met my mom on Mother's Day 2000, when I was 16. I don't really know what else to say about that except that it's weird. Those of you that know me know that I am still unable to have a healthy relationship with her. Enough said.

Then there were a couple of Mother's Days in between having our first child and having our second child that my heart just hurt for the losses that we experienced. So now, every Mother's Day, I think about the children that I can't hold in my arms, and about all the other "wanna-be" mothers that are unable to hold the children that they so strongly wish for. It makes me very sad for all the not-yet-mothers that sit in church listening to all the Mother's Day stuff, dying inside because they are so far unable to fulfill their biggest dream, becoming a mother, for whatever reason. Some have not yet found a mate, some having physically been unable to conceive, some, like me, have conceived and lost a child (or more than one). It just hurts to think about it.

At the same time, Mother's Day is a day to remember all the women throughout my life who have been a surrogate mother to me. I was raised by a wonderful father who did the best he could, but he was a man, and things were difficult for him at times. I appreciate so much all the friends' mothers, and teachers, and neighbors, etc, who stepped in to help out when my dad needed the help of a woman in raising me. My 3rd grade teacher, Mrs. Riffle, took me to the mother/daughter ice cream social at school. My best friend's mother, Cindy Azbill, combed my long hair when my dad was afraid to because I would cry. Jolyne Nickle, my LDS mama, taught me how to respect and glorify my role as a wife and mother. My dad's first wife, Zarayah, never let me forget that I was beautiful, smart, and creative. Even my step-mother, who made things very hard for me at times, gave me one thing- an understanding and appreciation for modesty.

There have been so many women, too many to name. I just really appreciate all of them, and some of them, I love deeply. They truly filled a void.

And, the best part about Mother's Day is that I have two wonderful little boys to share it with. My husband gave me the most touching card this week, and it says (among other things) "how happy it makes me to know that the wonderful woman I love is also the best mother a child could have." Wow. I mean, I know he didn't write it, but still. I have everything I could ever wish for. A husband who recognizes how hard I try to be a good mother to our children, and 2 little boys that love me more than anything.

I bought Nate a $2 plastic gun that shoots foam darts as a reward for being such a good big brother and helping me out without me asking him to. When I took it off the shelf and gave it to him, he thanked me by hugging my leg really tight and saying "Thanks Mommy, you're the best mommy in the whole world and I love you!" Now that's what it's all about.