Random Ramblings

It's been awhile

2011-08-16T17:19:00.000-07:00

I'm only posting because I feel bad for not doing so in forever. It's been a long time since I've blogged, and I've been avoiding it on purpose. There's just not a lot of happiness to report, and I hate to record the bad stuff. It's not my style. For now, just know that my kiddos are awesome, and I'm hanging in there. Sorry it's not more exciting.

Here is a picture of us with my step-sister, Bronwen, when she came to visit.

And here are my boys playing with a handcart

Ben with his baby doll (every little boy should have one!)

And in case you didn't see this one on Facebook, I found Nate like this in the middle of the night. hee hee

Untitled

2011-03-31T07:03:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure when I realized that I wasn't dead. I think it was sometime between the peaceful feeling creeping in, and the numbness finally leaving my limbs. Awareness began to return to my body, yet I remained paralyzed.

The blast came suddenly. None of us knew that it would be our fate. We had followed each instruction carefully, one step at a time, obediently proceeding with each part, unknowing what it would bring. As each sign appeared, we knew we were on the right track without having any ideas where we would end up. We knew that we had been chosen for this purpose and that we would be swiftly rewarded. What we did not realize was that a nuclear blast would be "it." As the wave approached, I felt surprise, isolation, and then comfort. I even had a moment to wonder what would happen next and regret that I would not be there to see it.

I floated in darkness and searched for some consciousness of my physical self, it eventually came back, but only very gradually. Have you ever woken up from a dream completely numb? It happens to me occasionally, but usually when I'm awakened from the "wrong" state of sleep by an outside source like a crying baby.

I looked at the clock-it said 3:12am. I felt the dream still, and had simultaneously mixed emotions of doom, warning, and acceptance.

Pictures!!!

2011-02-21T15:42:00.000-08:00

I have been so bad about posting pics! So here are some...

Let's start with Christmas:

On to Ben's 1st birthday. They are out of order, so if you want sequence, start at the bottom. LOL

And lastly, here's one of my latest haircut...It's all grown out now, but it was cute for a minute...

Christmas Eve

2010-12-24T19:28:00.001-08:00

I LOVE Christmas Eve even more than Christmas morning. I like the anticipation. After all the presents are opened on the day, it's over, and I'm sad. But tonight, I just get to be happy about what has yet to come. This year, we decided not to get each other presents, in order to save money, and I am totally fine with that! To me, it truly is more about giving than receiving on Christmas. My birthday, on the other hand, is a different story. LOL

I have been so bad about taking pictures lately, but tomorrow morning, I will try to make up for that. As soon as I finish writing this, I am going to find the batteries for the camera, and get it ready to go for morning.

Tonight, we read the Christmas story in the scriptures before bed. Of course, I paraphrased in some places and added some extra explanation for a 4 year old mind. But it really brought a nice spirit to the bedtime routine, and I plan to make it a tradition. Other traditions we enjoy are: leaving milk and cookies for Santa, and carrots or celery for the reindeer, and I want to start doing the Christmas Eve pajamas too, but we'll start that next year.

My kids are growing up so fast. I hope I can teach them the true meaning of Christmas. We did the Angel Tree thing, and tried to involve Nate as much as possible, explaining to him why we were buying gifts for some other kid that he had never met. But the message got through somehow, he brought it up afterward when I didn't expect him to remember. Ben won't remember this Christmas, but hopefully Nate will.

We have an ornament on the tree that says "Nate's First Christmas 2006" and he is so proud of it. Amid all the craziness this year, Ben didn't get one. But don't worry, Nate was so concerned, he made one for Ben. Nate's is a snowman, so he thought Ben should have a snowman too. I cut it out of paper and Nate decorated it. He even wrote Ben's name on it. I love that he can do that. He can write all our names now, and a few other words too.

I love this little family so much. They make me happier than anything else ever could. Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

Some randomness

2010-12-19T21:58:00.000-08:00

Some random things:

1. I am attempting to start college next month. This is a very big step for me. I hope I can handle it along with 2 kids, a full time job, and a husband who often needs my help with his own school work (writing is my strength but his weakness).

2. I love having 2 little boys, it is so much fun, and gets better every day, especially now that the little one is WALKING!

3. We have become closet football fans. Patriots and Bears, in case you are wondering.

4. I like sandwiches.

5. I miss close friends.

6. Now that I have a new ride, I really want to take a road trip. But work is kinda in the way...

7. I can't wait to do a bunch of Christmas-y stuff together with the family this week. We drove around and looked at Christmas lights last night and had ice cream afterward. :)

I can't think of anything else right now. I feel like I should get some pics and vids of the kids before this time flies by!

Message from Santa

2010-12-06T20:02:00.000-08:00

Here is the link in case you want to see the special message Santa sent to Nate. I hope the link works...

href="http://www.portablenorthpole.tv/watch/guest/dCAomSF6ggS09stfOTyynw">

First Primary Program

2010-11-28T14:22:00.001-08:00

Nate had is first Primary Program last Sunday, and I actually wrote about it in my paper journal today, but I thought you all would like to know about it too!

We had a practice on Saturday, and he was a little depressed at first because he didn't know all the songs. I don't know what 4 yr old knows ALL the songs, but I certainly didn't expect him to. I think he's a little perfectionist like his mommy. I felt so bad, but I learned a lesson. Next year I better work on them at home with him! No matter how busy I am.
A few weeks ago, the Primary Pres gave me an envelope that said "Your child has been assigned a line in the primary program, please practice at home." Or something like that. His line was "I can follow Jesus by _____________." So I asked Nate what he wanted to say, "How can you be like Jesus? How can you follow his example?" and his response was "I can follow Jesus by bringing the priesthood." I tried to get him to change the words so it made more sense, but that's was what he wanted to say, and he stuck with it. He memorized it for the program, and it was such a proud moment when he stood up at the microphone and said it with clarity and confidence.

During the singing, he was nervous, I could tell. It was sort of cute, he was resting his face in his hands and fidgeting. I thought that was bad, until he started chewing on his tie! Haha! That was toward the end, I think he was getting bored. They sang all the verses of Follow The Prophet and it was too long for the little kids! Oh well.

Another highlight of the day was Daddy coming to church with us to watch Nate in the program. The baby was more well-behaved with both of us there, and it was just really nice to be together in church again. That's one thing I can never complain about on my husband, he will always be there to support his kids no matter what. The snow almost kept us from making it that day, because we had already moved to our new place (15 minute drive on the interstate), but thankfully the road crews were out early and had the roads cleared. :)

In other news, Ben is officially walking. He doesn't walk around everywhere, but he will stand up at the coffee table and walk across the room when he feels like it. Crawling is still the faster way to get around, but not for long! I can't believe it, he's not quite 10 months old yet. But I guess I sort of expected it out of this one.

I need to post some new pics, will do soon!

Pictures!

2010-10-18T15:30:00.000-07:00

Here are some recent pics of the kids including Nate's first day of school!

Forever!

2010-10-16T07:32:00.000-07:00

I titled this blog "Forever" because that's how long it's been since my last update! I haven't posted since we left Florida, I feel bad about that. Honestly, I have been avoiding posting because so much has happened, I just can't fit it all in, and if I tried, I would fail miserably and leave you all thinking that my blog sucks. LOL

I have lots of pictures from my trip, but I haven't uploaded them yet. It was hot, the kids look flushed, and I even took a picture of the thermometer thingy in our car reading 108. Did I mention we had no air conditioning? Not because we don't have air conditioning, but because we were pulling a trailer and the head gasket was going out so we couldn't use the A/C or our car would overheat. That's basically the trip in a nutshell.

If I try to say much more, I won't do it all justice. Just know that everything fell into place, just as it did the first time we moved to Salt Lake. I got a job managing an apartment community (out of our home, I don't go to an office-the apartment is sort of the office), which gives us free rent, utilities, and salary. I love the company that I work for. It is small, and family-oriented, but they operate as a big company (as in, rules, regulations, things are streamlined, organized, functional, efficient, etc). So it's been great.

I found this awesome preschool for Nate. I have been intending to homeschool, but now that I'm working, I just don't have the time to teach him the things he is SO ready to learn. Fortunately, through the gals at my church (who teach there), I found this little school to put him in. They call it a "homeschool based" school because it's Pre-K thru 12th grade, but even grades 1-12 only go a half day, they learn pure academics, and leave the rest for the family to teach. His class is Tuesdays and Thursdays from 8-12, and he is learning SO MUCH. He's like a little sponge right now, and I'm go grateful for the opportunity he has to learn. The preschool class is small, about 8 kids, and the teacher is great. We had parent/teacher conference already, and she said he was doing so well, even though he came in to the year late. He is even a "contribution" to the class, and that it's better with him there! His natural desire to be obedient helps the other kids, I guess. He must get that from me. Although that trait didn't show up in me until adulthood. I was a rebel as a teenager. But maybe all teenagers are...

Anyway, back to the point. Kid updates. Ben is...a handful. Don't get me wrong, he is the cutest baby I have ever seen (maybe even giving Nate a run for his money) and he is SOOOO happy. He loves everyone and thinks it's always party time. However, he doesn't sleep well, and is into EVERYTHING. I really have my hands full with this one. He's a joy to be around, but WOW, he's a pain in the rear right now. LOL I'm sure he will grow out of it a little bit. Or maybe it will get worse...Oh boy...
He is going to be walking any minute. He is 8 1/2 months old and is already walking while holding someone's hands. Oh, and he has 2 very cute bottom teeth. :)

Steven is doing well in school. He doesn't like any of his classes, but he is getting through. He's taking mostly general ed classes right now, Math, English, Computer Literacy, and his Diversity requirement "Film and Culture." It could be a cool class, but it started off in the horror genre, and as some of you may know we do NOT enjoy horror and gore, and he was forced to watch a lot of it. Next up, the "diversity" portion of his class was all about homosexuality, and he had to write a 6 page essay on a gay-themed movie. You can guess how much he *loved* this part of class. There are other teachers that teach different things to fulfill the diversity requirement, one teaches more about black films and culture, and one about Asian film and culture (I think), but he had to get "the gay one." Poor guy. LOL

I am doing pretty well also. Even though I work at home, it takes up pretty much my whole day Monday through Friday 9 to 5. But it could be worse. I'm at home with the kids and I'm making money. And I hardly have to do any housework- Steven does all of that (except dishes, I still do that-and we don't have a dishwasher)! It's a nice break. Although the change in roles has taken some adjustment for both of us, and we could really use a vacation. Haha! But again, I love my job. Wow, that's something I don't know if I have ever said before! Also, I am going to start taking classes in the spring. Just one or two at a time. But at least it will get things started. I have been helping Steven learn his math, and I figure I better go ahead and take those classes while it's all fresh in my mind. I think I am going to major in Music. I have tried to decide on other things, and I just don't feel as passionately about any of them as I do about music, so why wouldn't I just do something I love?

What else is going on...not much. My overall weight loss has been good. I am finally back to the size I was when I got married 8 years ago. Of course, things don't look the same as they did then, if you know what I mean. It's hard to believe that the tag on my pants can say "6" and I still have cottage cheese thighs and a flabby tummy. But oh well, I am not complaining!! To clarify, not all my pants are 6, some are 8, but again, I'm just thankful for that! Not complaining!

So far, the weather has been great here in Salt Lake. I hope we are still just as happy here when the snow comes. Actually, it was the end of April/beginning of May snow that was depressing. The beginning of winter snow is fun and exciting. Am I really talking about the weather? Sorry!

For now, I don't know what else to say. I'm sorry if this has been boring, but at least I finally caught up (sort of). I will try to post pics and videos soon.

Our time here

2010-08-07T18:32:00.001-07:00

Our time in Florida has been a very humbling experience for me. I didn't want to come here, but I knew my husband had righteous motives-to work through some family things, and he hoped for progress in that area-to be closer to his family, but we didn't understand exactly what that would mean.

When we got here, I tried to adapt, but found it very difficult, so difficult in fact, that I accidentally sabotaged my social life. Is that a contradiction? Is sabotage supposedly intentional? Anyway, it happened. It kept me from church for a few weeks, which has also been humbling and a learning experience. It also helped me get to know my neighbors, who turned out to be a family that we will always remember, and thanks to Facebook, probably never lose touch with.

Things didn't turn out exactly the way we anticipated with one side of Steven's family. Actually, it turned out to be a disappointment. But last night, a surprise phone call came and a dinner was planned for tonight with the other side of the family. We had no clear intentions of hooking up with Steven's dad's side (including a younger sister, age 10-she shares a b'day with Steven, and her mom, and wonderful woman with whom I would love to spend more time). However, GOD INTENDED US TO RECONNECT WITH THEM.

We all went to dinner tonight, and although I can't describe exactly how the whole thing felt, I can say it was very healing and fulfilling. I'm having a very hard time choosing words here. I just want to say that I have a little bit better understand of how normal families must feel toward each other. Like no matter what, you are always family, and it all comes together in the end. I feel that they are truly there for us, they care about us, respect us and love us. And it's mutual. (I have that with my dad, but no one else that I am related to by blood. I think Steven has desired it with his mom, but she has never been able to really fill that role.) What a wonderful feeling to experience after all these years of disappointment.

I think Steven would say "that's enough about feelings now!" LOL
My cup runneth over. We are truly blessed. The Lord has provided for us and will continue to do so. I know that to be true.

So, I think we have made enough expensive mistakes moving back and forth across the country. We are finally on the right track, and it feels good. I think as long as we continue to put family first, we will be okay.

Happy Birthday-4 yrs old already??!!!

2010-08-02T06:00:00.000-07:00

I tried to document the day the best I could. Here we have the favorite breakfast: french toast with fruit. (I'm so happy that he likes cantaloupe, because I don't! lol)

A little rough-housing with Daddy!
We did whatever he wanted today, and one thing he wanted to do was play soccer in the backyard!

Here he is swimming in the neighbor's pool. This is the first time swimming all by himself-he's not scared anymore!!

Eating lunch-hot dogs, watermelon, and party mix. :)
Here is baby brother chowing down on watermelon (or trying...)

Lighting the candles:
Here we are singing, and birthday boy blowing out the candles:

First piece cut, this is the best pic of the cake-do you get the half chocolate/half vanilla thing? (light side/dark side-Yoda and Vader were the only ones that would stay up on the cake).

After cake, a little fishing (he loves fishing!) There's no hook on it, but you should see this kid's cast!!

He wanted a dragon so badly-here it is courtesy of the neighbors (they are awesome!)
Totally pooped! After I took this picture, he asked me to go get his presents and bring them in his room for the night. He's silly :)
Also, as a side note, (because this day truly was all about the birthday)- the baby crawled for the first time first thing in the morning. I tried to catch it again later, but he wouldn't do it. Here is a video of him trying-he was much more tired at this point in the day!! This was taken at the neighbors' house, with their parrot squawking in the background-it's pretty funny-he says all sorts of things!

Toys

2010-07-20T10:03:00.000-07:00

I'm having another one of "those days," and I just don't know what to do about it. I feel like we are standing still and it's driving me crazy!

Do you find it odd that I am braiding my Barbie's hair? I am trying to "lighten the load" so to speak, and prettying up my dolls to try to get some moo-lah for them. Actually, I'm really just doing it for fun. It makes me feel nostalgic. The dolls aren't worth anything.

I'm having a little hard time parting with the Barbies though. My grandmother made some dresses for them. She was a mean lady, but I think she liked me back when I was the only grandchild (I was first). Not that she ever disliked me, but my dad is the black sheep of the family, so I kind of got the shaft because of that.

Anyway, it's not that I think I'll ever have a little girl to pass them down to, and I don't particularly like the idea of Barbies anyway...it's just what they represent, ya know? A happy time in my life.

Here I go rambling again...it's just one of "those" days.

That's right, the original black Barbie. I did not dress her in the maid outfit, she came with it. That always blew my mind...
Also, we have Pizza Party Ken, complete with little cardboard pizzas, sodas, etc (not pictured).
The dolls are sitting in a Barbie and The Rockers case, worth about $20 on Ebay. But I'm really too lazy to sell it on Ebay...

I guess while I'm at it, I'll show you a picture of the My Little Ponies and Trolls.

I do not know why the Trolls are sideways, and I can't figure out how to turn it. Sorry!

baby!

2010-07-13T11:22:00.000-07:00

Here's a few new pics of the baby. I got this highchair for $5 on Craigslist! And our neighbors gave us this tub thingy which I tried as a baby tub because we can't afford to buy a real baby tub, and he's getting too active for the kitchen sink! However, it didn't work out quite as I had hoped. Also, every time he looks toward the camera, he blinks from the flash, so his eyes are partially closed in almost every picture! Enjoy...

And here's a video. I gave the baby carrots -his first solid food. He hasn't "officially" started solids yet, but I thought I would try it out, and he sure loved it! I plan to make my own baby food soon, but I am having an easier time finding organic baby food than organic fresh produce to make it! Not sure what to do about that...

And here's one of the big kid:

Much to talk about

2010-07-09T09:00:00.000-07:00

So, I have been wanting to blog for a few days, but I haven't had much to say. Or so I thought...I guess it's just been building up this whole time.

First, I want to make a couple quick notes about my kiddos. I write in my paper journal about them too, but for those of you that aren't near and want the little updates, here you go.

Ben is now able to sit unsupported for several seconds, without falling over. I find this amazing since he is not quite 6 months old! Also, we are still waiting to start solids. I sort of caved the other day and pureed some banana to try with him, but he was still using his tongue to push it out, so I know he's not physically ready. Thank goodness! I'm not ready! I know with the cloth diapers, things will change when we go from exclusive breast milk to solids, and that's a change I'm not looking forward to. Don't tell me to switch to disposables, because even if I wanted to, there's no way we could afford diapers right now...
Aside from that, he is the light of my life, the apple of my eye. Sometimes, it annoys me when he needs to go to sleep and it takes longer than normal. But the tremendous amount of satisfaction I get from all the smiles, laughter, and snuggles I get from him the rest of the time, make up for it!

Nate is growing so fast. He even told me he was growing up. I said "No, you're not allowed. Stay little and be my little boy." To which he replied "I am your little boy!" He is my heart. He loves the heck out of his baby brother. He says cute things all the time, and I am embarrassed that I can't think of any to share with you right now. He suddenly doesn't like to be alone, which I have read is typical for his age. So before, when I could put a movie on, tell him it's quiet time, and go sneak a nap, yeah, those times are over. When we put him to bed and leave the room, he says "but I will be alooone..." just like that with the drawn out "o."
He is also a little sponge. He wants to learn everything right now, and I just think it is so great! I don't mind explaining things to him, and telling him what things are, or how they work. He wants to learn Spanish and he does simple math. He loves to be read to, and is beginning to learn how to read.

On the parental front, Steven is losing his mind working yet another "temporary" job. By temporary, I mean that yes, it pays the bills, but it's not what he really wants to do, so he goes to work every day miserable. I guess there are people in the world that work at a job they hate for 20 years just because. My husband is not one of those people. So...here goes. Back to school for him! We will make it work. We will probably have to move back to Salt Lake City since he already has residency there, and the University of Utah is one of few schools with the degree that he REALLY truly wants which is Meteorology/Atmospheric Sciences. I like to joke with him that he will be the next Jim Cantore. :)

That's not really an official announcement of us moving to SLC, but right now, it's in the works. Money has to happen before that can happen.

How is Hannah doing? Oh, I don't know. Same old I guess. I enjoy my family. I got a piano, and that's what I'm doing for me right now. My goal is to write a song or two, just to get some creative energy flowing. My weight is sitting in the same spot. I do well with my diet (by "diet" I just mean what I am eating) while Steven is working, but on his days off, I can't stick to it. I eat cookies and junk, and whatever pleases my tastebuds.

Oh! AND we got a surprise visit from a couple Tennessee friends who were up in Tampa to see family. It was so great, and it was sad when they left. Not enough time.

That's about it today. Not very exciting, but it's the latest.

Letter to my kindergarten teacher

2010-06-25T08:28:00.000-07:00

Dear Mrs. R,

I just wanted to let you know that I turned out alright. You'll be glad to know that I am now married to a wonderful man, and we have two beautiful boys. Yes, I got married at only 18, but we waited until we were 22 to have our first son. We bought our first home at 21, but we have moved around a lot and seen a lot of places. You probably knew that would happen since I moved so much with my Dad.

I want to thank you for giving me the opportunity to help in your class when I was in high school. I fell in love with those 5 year olds, and I learned that I could be responsible. But more important to me were the talks we had, and the friendship and wisdom you offered me.

When I met my mother, and she tried to keep me in Los Angeles, you used your credit card to get me a plane ticket home. You didn't have to do that, but if you hadn't, I don't know what would have happened.

When I called you for help one day, months later, after we had lost touch for awhile, and you said "no," you saved my life. You knew something was wrong and you were right to turn me away. I was upset at the time, but now I am thankful.

You don't know what a powerful influence you have been in my life. I don't know where you are now, but if I ever find you, I will try to thank you in person. For now, I just wish you had the satisfaction of knowing that I am okay! I'm not in jail, or living on the street. I go to church, and I have a family, and I am even enrolling in college. Be proud. You helped give me the foundation that I needed when it was time to get out of trouble and into real life.

Thanks for everything.

Teaching Moments

2010-06-24T13:11:00.000-07:00

So, I have decided, within the last few days, that I am definitely making the choice to home school. AND I am going to do it from the beginning. There are so many reasons. Maybe I will go into it in another post. But I will say that I have checked out several books on the subject (thank you local library), and they have been IMMENSELY helpful!

For now I just want to record some of my experiences since I have made this HUGE decision. I have noticed so many opportunities to teach since I have been paying attention!

Today, I have already taught my son about gravity and basic math. I believe him to be a visual learner, so I tend to take advantage of things that he sees. We were watching Phineas and Ferb (a cartoon) earlier, and they were making an anti-gravity machine, so I got to explain gravity! Then, we were playing Mario Kart together, and I was asking him "if I am in 7th place, and there are 8 people playing, how many people are in front of me?" and "if I am in 3rd place, how many people are behind me?" We went on like this for some time, and he really got it!

I have learned that I really CAN do this! I have already been homeschooling without even realizing it! (As are so many other parents of preschoolers.)

I have not yet chosen a method, but I think we will probably try different things in the first few years until we find what works. And what works for him may not be the same thing that works for his younger brother. Sooo, it feels like an adventure! And I am very excited.

Pictures of the day

2010-06-21T11:34:00.000-07:00

My baby turned 20 weeks old yesterday. Today he rolled over from his back to his tummy! Here is a picture right after he did it.

And here is a picture of my improved waistline. :)

Lbs, California and misc.

2010-06-19T08:12:00.001-07:00

I am down to 151. I feel guilty to say I haven't been the best about the plan. I think the Florida heat is melting it off, and breastfeeding. LOL I haven't technically worked out in a few days, and I have been eating M&Ms. I even went on a donut binge for 2 days last week. But ever since that I felt so guilty that I went back to healthy. I am now trying this thing where you eat a huge breakfast (protein), medium lunch (more protein) and light dinner. We will see if it works, because I have the biggest appetite after dinner....
Don't get me wrong, I am being somewhat active, I just haven't seen Jillian (Michaels), or Carmen (Electra) since last week. I went to the beach and swam a bit. This morning I went for a walk. It's really hot at 10 am...and walking with a 3 yr old is not exactly cardio.

It's really weird that my husband is at work Monday and Tuesday, home Wednesday and Thursday, at work Friday and Saturday, and home Sunday. It sort of shakes everything up around here. But it's nice seeing him that much, and being able to do things together during the week (like go to the beach) when there aren't as many people out.
The only weird thing is that on the days he is at work, I don't really see him until after 8 pm. Then we go to bed at 10ish.

I am really leaning toward homeschool. I did a lot of research yesterday and I think I can do it. However, I am thankful that we have at least another year to decide. Haha.

Also, I think we are California bound. "But you JUST MOVED all the way across the country to Florida!" you say? Well, that's how we roll. This time we are going to make a plan.

This is our moving plan.
1. Before we move we MUST have our credit card debt PAID (about $2600 as of right now).
2. We will sell both of our vehicles when we leave. If we do that, we will not have to pay the gas to drive them, or repairs because they both won't make it across the country as of right now. We can probably buy a little sedan when we get there for $2000 which is the same or more than what we would have to invest to bring one or both cars.
3. Steven WILL transfer with Comcast. So we will start watching for positions when our lease is up (hoping our landlord will let us go month to month), and when there is one open in a town we like, he will apply.
4. I will not even think about having another baby until we get settled where we are going. ONLY THEN will we open it back up for discussion.
5. We are yet undecided exactly HOW to move. It depends on how much money we have to make the move. We could rent the smallest UHaul, bring what we can fit, and Steven can drive it out, while I fly with the kids. (Overall cost, approx. $2500) Actually, we could probably use a company that drives our stuff out for us and all of us fly for about the same price...That would be even better!!!

I estimate it will be at least a year before we can get back to the West Coast. Man, we are crazy.

Thoughts of the day

2010-06-11T07:31:00.000-07:00

For some reason, I woke up this morning thinking about a few of the injustices my parents did me...

When I was 12, we lived in Bisbee, Arizona. I had done children's theatre throughout my childhood and loved it. I always had big small roles. LOL What I mean by that is that I never had a starring role in the plays, but I was usually cast in the biggest of the small roles. I was also usually some sort of "character"- something outrageous that the other kids were afraid to do, I guess...

Anyway, after several auditions, I had just been cast as the Caterpillar in Alice in Wonderland. To me, this was the role of a lifetime, and I was SOOO excited!

Then we moved. We up and left town without me even having the chance to tell the theatre group. I just disappeared.

Then there were the various pets....when I was 5 I had a black lab named Sambo, and when we moved from California to Wisconsin, we "let him go." At this time, I had no idea how bad that was. Hopefully someone found him by the river (which was where we let him out) and took him home.

When I was 12 again (lots of bad things when I was 12, thanks to my awful step-mother and my wuss of a father who never stood up to her), I had a pet rat. Actually I had him before my dad and step mom got together, in Nevada City, CA. We moved to Bisbee shortly after, and I got to bring the rat. His name was Cisco. My parents (I'm sure it was my step-mom, but they claimed everything was a mutual decision) had the bright idea of keeping Cisco's cage in the cab of our truck. This was a big moving truck/box truck that we had because we moved so much, but we only used it for moving, so mostly it just sat there. My dad bought it with the intention of using it to haul equipment to gigs (he's a drummer in whatever band he can find). Anyway, we lived in the desert outside of Bisbee, and if anyone reading this has ever been to the southern AZ area, it is HOTTTTT. I was 12, and for some reason I didn't understand that it might be bad idea to put a rodent cage in the cab of a truck with the windows barely cracked in mid-summer. Cisco died.

To make up for it, they got me a kitten, which I loved. He was a grey striped tabby and I named him Charlie. One day, I came home from sleeping over at a friend's house, and he was gone. They were not ashamed to tell me they had taken Charlie to the pound. He was scratching the furniture too much.

Months later, my step-sister and I got puppies! We went to someone's house and each picked one out. She got a little boy dog, named Gus (short for Augustus) and I got a little girl and named her Taz (for Tazmanian Devil, cuz she was rowdy). You should have seen me and my step-sister running around the property with our 2 little dogs. They were german shepard mixes. They used to get under the barbed wire fence into the neighboring cattle pasture, and we would have to crawl through the fence and chase them down. They were beef cattle, and they sure didn't seem intimidated by those little puppies.

Shortly after, the parents decided that 2 puppies was too much work, and since mine was the rowdier of the 2, off mine went.

I really shouldn't be sharing this next experience, but since a blog is supposed to be like a journal, and it's all pouring out right now, here I go. My step-mom was pretty nasty to me. It's hard to explain, but one experience sticks out in my mind.

We were living in Wisconsin (which is where we went right after Bisbee) at my Aunt's boyfriend's (now husband's) house. Since there wasn't enough room in the house, my parents, and little half-brother (about 1 at the time) lived in a spare room of the house, and my step-sister and I lived in our motor home which was parked in the driveway. Since there was no running water in the motor home, we had to come in the house to use the bathroom, etc.

As a teenage girl (about 13) I loved magazines like Seventeen, etc. Well, my aunt had given me some of her old magazines which were the likes of Cosmopolitan. Yes, I realize now that those magazines are a bit inappropriate for a 13 yr old, but no, I didn't understand half of what I read. I mostly like the makeup and fashion tips. Knowing that my step-mother would not approve, I hid them under my bed in the motor home. She found them one day (why she was snooping around, I don't know), and grounded me to the motor home.

Later on, I came in the house to pee, she asked me what I thought I was doing, and when I told her (probably in a snotty tone), she picked up a handheld mirror (probably 8 x 8 or so) on the bathroom counter and smacked me across the face with it. All I remember was the shattering sound of the glass and the screams (mine) that followed. My dad didn't even know this had happened until a few years later when I told him. He sort of apologized that it happened, and that was the end of it.

I don't want to talk anymore, but I feel that this has been a good therapy session. The End.

And while I had the camera out...

2010-06-01T08:09:00.000-07:00

Here are some pics from last week that I took, but today finally posted to the computer...

Playing in a rainstorm
Tummy time!!

My body

2010-06-01T07:36:00.000-07:00

I want to blog to track my fitness plan. When I got pregnant with Nate, I weighed 168 lbs. I gained about 35 lbs while pregnant, and lost all of the pregnancy weight plus some while nursing him. When I got pregnant with Ben I believe I weighed about 158. I gained about 30 lbs, and have lost all of it. I weighed myself when we first got to Florida, and I weighed about 158. So, if the pattern remains, I ought to go down about 10 more lbs in the next year right? If I can lose an extra 5 or 10, and be down to 140ish, I would be thrilled (I was 130-135 when I met Steven- can't remember exactly). So, we bought a scale at Goodwill and I have been weighing myself everyday, after breakfast, like Lisa told me to (shout out! LOL)

I have been hovering between 155 and 156 the last couple of days, which means I have lost 2-3 lbs in the past 2 months. I am NOT number obsessed, but I am posting this as encouragement for myself. Here's the kicker. Today, I weigh in at 153!! Is that possible? Of course, I ate a bowl of cereal for breakfast, and attempted Jillian Michaels' Fat Burning Yoga Workout on Comcast OnDemand- I did not get all the way through! But it felt good! (I say that now...lol)

Then, I realized that it may not be a good idea to be trying to lose weight while breastfeeding, but a 10-15 lb goal would be safe, wouldn't it? I am not starving myself- in fact my appetite is huge, but I am trying to eat everything healthy and stay away from junk food and sweets. And I am also trying to eat in way which will raise my metabolism (healthy snacking throughout the day, smaller portions at mealtime...) And I am drinking tons of water.

My big idea is to get bicycles and go bike riding often. We will also need one of those little kiddie trailers. This weekend, I am determined to hunt Craigslist and yard sales, etc.

I still have a serious spare tire around my middle, and I know it's mostly just loose from being pregnant, but it's my biggest source of insecurity, and I really want to tighten it up. I have NEVER had a flat stomach though...*jiggle jiggle*, that's my belly.

Problem with losing weight: I can't afford to buy new clothes!!!! But I guess when I get to that point, it would be a problem others would love to have. So I promise not to complain.

Random MySpace photos!

2010-05-31T16:57:00.000-07:00

When we were sealed for eternity.
Yes, I shaved a mohawk on my 2 yr old for Halloween.
Our backyard in Tennessee which we miss very much.
One of the missionaries who taught Steven. Doesn't Nate look JUST like Ben? Thank goodness I have lost weight since this photo! Yikes!

Longest blog ever!! (collection of old blogs)

2010-05-31T16:25:00.000-07:00

I deleted my MySpace blog, but I transferred the blog over here to save it. I was going to save it to my computer, but I couldn't get Word to work. So...enjoy some OOOOOLD Random Ramblings. lol

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

I AM CONVINCED

Current mood: curious

I got this idea from Micah-here is the link to his blog: http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=135209669&blogID=219282803&indicate=1

I hope you all will copy it and make it your own. I can't wait to hear what everyone says!

I am convinced that life as we know it is so short compared to eternity. I am convinced that we can influence our physical health through the choices we make. I am convinced that people are really good on the inside (even though for some people it's way deep down...) I am convinced that forgiveness is necessary and love is inevitable. I am convinced that children are indescribably life-altering. I am convinced that we can all be saved. I am convinced that friends don't replace family-no matter how hard you try. I am convinced that you don't find your soulmate until you stop looking. I am convinced that people will never be satisfied with politicians and government. I am convinced that my son is the most beautiful thing I could ever lay eyes on. I am convinced that no matter how rough of a night you had, a delicious breakfast can make it better. I am convinced that if you have never swam (swum? what?) in a river, you don't know what you are missing! I am convinced that people can only change themselves. I am convinced that you don't read MySpace blogs unless you care about the person writing it (ha!)

I am convinced that everything will turn out alright. Always.

Do you believe in eternity? Do you believe that we are all connected? Do you believe you can have what you want? Do you believe time can heal all wounds? Do you believe music is essential? Do you believe that you are loved, and you are worthy of it?

What are you convinced of?

Monday, November 26, 2007

Nothing to say but blogging anyway
Current mood: hungry

cuz I'm a slave to Lisa. J/K But whenever people tell me to blog I feel this sense of obligation so then I have to.

Anway, here's what's going on:

I am going out of town Thursday. Yes I am finally going to NJ to get an embryo implanted in my uterus. I hope it works. Here's why:

1.) It kind of sucks giving yourself shots everyday and putting estrogen pills up your hoo-ha all the time.

2.) I don't really wanna have to go up there without my family anymore. The only reason I have to go alone is for 2-3 days of strict bedrest after the "procedure" so the baby "sticks."

3.) I'm ready to get this show on the road and be pregnant.

4.) I can't bear to hear the disappointment in my Intended Mother's voice (that's what she's called cuz it's her baby-I just want to call her "my baby mama" once I get pregnant) if I have to tell her it didn't work. She has had enough of that (disappointment I mean).

So I have a lot to do this week to prepare for my absence so my poor sweet hubby will be okay without me for 3-5 days. I know he will, but I want to make it as easy as possible for him.

I am suppposed to sing in church for the Christmas program, but I haven't even picked a song! I really don't wanna do a hymn cuz I want to be original and it's a duet so I would like it to be a cool arrangement...........

That's what's on my mind today..........la la la la la la la Do you love it?

Friday, December 28, 2007

Why I’m sad
Current mood: sad

So, my pregnancy is not where it should be. According to the blood tests, my Hcg level (pregnancy hormone) should be about 3 times what it is. I won't know anything until next Thursday when I have an ultrasound. If there's no heartbeat, there's no baby. What a crap way to find that out huh? I hope I don't miscarry. How awful. I am trying to stay positive and just pray. The problem with prayer is that I can't pray for what I want which is for the pregnancy to continue and result in a baby. Why? Because I know better. I know my plans aren't usually the same as God's plans. I have been praying to grow closer to Him and I just hope this isn't one of those bad experiences that is meant to make my faith stronger.

My husband has gone to visit his family in Florida this weekend. I'm not upset that he's going. I don't want to spend 13 hours in a car each way. But I am kind of scared to be alone under the circumstances. So, it's just me and the kiddo for the next few days. I think I will be on the verge of tears all weekend.

Nate is throwing a fit right now. Fun. I just feel like crying and the weekend hasn't even begun. Maybe I better cry it out now, but I hate crying. I like to hold it in, even when no one is around. I wonder why...

Monday, January 14, 2008

Not much to say about this (warning-morbid)
Category: Life

Well, I don't know why I am posting this blog. I don't have much to say.

We lost the baby. I went in for an ultrasound. It had been slow growth, but the heartbeat was good, until today. I don't know what's next, but I am sad that there is a dead baby inside me right now.

Although surrogacy is a wonderful gift, I am wondering why people want to go through this with a total stranger carrying their child. I could never put that much trust in someone. Anyway, I imagine they'll want to try again, but I don't know yet. Do I want to?

I don't know if I am going to have to have a D&C or if they are going to try and let me miscarry naturally......

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

TAG -10 random things blog
Current mood: good
Category: Blogging

Okay, I hate chain things, but I guess since Tracy had a good reason for tagging me I will try. Though I'm not feeling very creative right now........

1. First and most importantly, I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints otherwise known as Mormon. I love to dispel rumors about the church so if you have any crazy ideas about us, let me know so I can let you know the truth. :o)

2. I am a mom!! It's crazy but it's true. It's challenging but I love it!

3. I have always had crowded ugly teeth and finally, at the age of 23, got braces!! When I get them off this fall, You bet I will be posting a big picture of my new smile!

4. I sing and play the guitar (a little). I am posting that because most people don't know this about me, even though it is a major passion of mine. I just lack the confidence to do it in public. Especially in Nashville.

5. I married my husband when we were both 18-nobody thought we would make it as far as we have because we were so young. I honestly think there is no one else in the world for either of of us. We are both strong enough to be alone, don't get me wrong. But we are now working toward having an eternal family. What more could you want?

6. I feel sorry for Britney Spears.

7. I love to cook (especially baking). I'm good at following directions, so I guess that's why I can bake. It's hard to "watch what I eat" when I always have cookies, or cake, or banana bread or something else hanging around...

8. I just started Carmen Electra's Aerobic Striptease workout (gasp!) and it's so much fun!! I feel like I worked out physically, but it's not boring like running on a treadmill or something. Ask me how hot I am in 3 months (I hope it works!) I'm just trying to tone up, really, no high expectations here.

9. I like tofu, brussell sprouts, whole grain bread, zucchini, avocado, wheat grass, etc. thanks to my dad. My husband will eat none of these things!

10. I am planning to become a surrogate (carry a child for another couple)-for more on that, read my blog, and ask me any questions you'd like.

Who I'm tagging:

Brigitte, Maegen, Tom, Bernie (my sis), Rebecca, both Hannahs, Lisa, Jessa, and Eva

because I think they'll all do it, I can't wait to read them, and to my knowledge, they haven't already been tagged....

Friday, February 1, 2008

Infertility Awareness
Current mood: thoughtful

I can't get this stupid thing to embed so please click on the link below and watch the video....

Listen to the words, and you may cry like I did:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JqfGqOx2iDQ

Infertility affects countless couples. It is a private issue that doesn't get discussed often, and makes those couples feel lost, alone, and inadequate. Please be sensitive to this issue and if you know someone who struggles with infertility (meaning miscarriage and stillbirth as well, not just the lack of getting pregnant), don't judge them, or jump to conclusions.

That's all I have to say about that (for now)

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Teeth and more
Current mood: blah

I just wanted to share my excitement in getting my braces off tomorrow!!! I can hardly contain myself. I will be really ticked if they tell me I have to wait any longer.

That's the stupidest blog ever. What else is going on?

Oh yeah, we are moving. But what's new there? Aren't we always moving? I think our parents did it to us. We really do want to settle down and stay somewhere to raise our family, but not until we find that somewhere. Anyway, we sold our house in Mt Juliet and are going to Arizona for a minute while we figure things out. Utah is at the top of our list, with AZ in second and Oregon coming in third. But we are open to anything really. As long as Steven can find a good job and the housing costs are low enough where we can buy again.

Anyway, I know that's still a boring blog but I don't really know what else to say right now.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

The most boring blog ever
Current mood: sad
Category: Life

Well, I have been wanting to blog for a few days. Actually, I was writing it in my head a few nights ago, but I didn't feel like getting up, so I lost it. And everytime since then that I've been at the computer, I have been at a loss for words. So, I'll start with what's going on in my life right now. Maybe that will get the words rolling.

In the mornings I am sooo tired I do not want to get out of bed and I don't know what to do about it. I'm getting at least 8 hours of sleep, going to bed by 11 at the latest and getting up at 7ish (thanks to Nate ). This morning, I was laying on the couch, half supervising Nate and half sleeping, and I forced myself to get up so I could take Nate to the park for a play group. It was going to be our first time, and I was excited to get the chance to talk to other moms, and hopefully make some friends in the ward and here in Salt Lake City. Good opportunity for Nate to get out and play his little heart out. Well, he doesn't want to go!! When did he start making decisions about what he wants?? I thought he went along with every suggestion of mine, especially when it comes to going to the park!! He has been perfectly content playing cars in his room for the last 30 minutes. I have been trying to coax him into going, but he always answers with a resounding "NO-play cars!" And he doesn't want me to play with him. He just wants to play by himself. Have I done something wrong here? He must be antisocial like his daddy. LOL

As for what else is going on. I'm struggling a bit because we have been trying for child number 2 since March, and in July, I got pregnant. I cried when I saw the results! I had so many fears about the surrogacy messing me up somehow. Well, we were off August 15th for a new life in Utah, and now we had another child to look forward to and prepare for. It was crazy and exciting and scary all at the same time. Well, the day we arrived here in Salt Lake City, I began to miscarry. I won't go in depth in my feelings on it, because there just aren't words sometimes. Maybe at some point I will blog specifically about this, as I do think it is important to verbalize those feelings (I think I'm still tryig to repress them). But I "remained strong" so that my husband wouldn't have to deal with it, on top of all the stress of getting here and not having a job or a home lined up, etc.

Everything ended up working out, his interview that had been lined up, turned into a job offer, we found an apartment for free because I can manage the building. We went to Arizona for a visit because we had a 2 week gap before we could start everything. We realized a lot in Arizona. Like the fact that Steven didn't hate it and we wish we would have moved there instead. That's in a nutshell. Ha ha. But we know that we have the specific opportunity here of becoming debt free and having church stuff at our fingertips, and Steven having a lifelong career that he could actually like.

Anyway, now that we are settled, I have had time to get depressed about the miscarriage. I know maybe the timing isn't right anyway, but it's still hard. I might mention here that there has been about a 1 1/2 hr gap between the last paragraph and this one. Nate changed his mind and we went to the park. It was sort of depressing because the other moms there were pregnant or just had child number 2 or 3. There was one other mom that had one child, but she was a baby. They all talked about being pregnant. And also about how much they loved vaccinations. I kept my mouth shut. I chimed in some during the labor and delivery stories, but other than that, I really had nothing to say. Nate had a great time though. And the ladies were nice, but I didn't really feel like I fit in.

So, I don't even know where I'm going with this. I am so bad at finishing my thoughts lately. This is more like a journal entry than anything, and it certainly won't entertain, but it's what's going on in my life right now. And that's about it.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

The whole "Mormon" thing
Current mood: peaceful
Category: Religion and Philosophy

Please note: this is not directed at anyone, just something I felt inspired to write.

I would like to get something clear on the subject of my religion. I am not "a Mormon." (Not that I'm anti-that word, because people at least know what it is. I do say it sometimes) To say so would be an indication that I follow a man named Mormon, just as a Christian is a follower of Jesus Christ. I do not belong to "The Mormon Church." I belong to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. The first part of the name of our church comes from the scriptures, (The Holy Bible AND The Book of Mormon, which I will address in a sec.) Back in Bible days, there was one church and it was called after the name of Jesus Christ. You were either a Jew, or a Gentile. You either believed that Jesus was the Savior and Redeemer (Gentile), or you believed that he was "just a man" (Jew). Anyway, in those days, His church was organized with 12 apostles, his followers ("believers"/"Christians"), and they were called the Church of Christ, because Jesus said:

"And how be it my church save it be called in my name? For if a church be called in Moses' name, then it be Moses' church: or if it be called in the name of a man, then it be the church of a man: but if it be called in my name, then it is my church, if it so be that they are built upon my gospel." (3 Nephi 27:8)

So, the second part "of Latter-Day Saints" distinguishes that it is the the latter-day (modern times-not Bible times) version of Christ's church. We believe that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is organized just as it was during his ministry on Earth. Christ stands at the head of our church, with a prophet, apostles, etc just as when Christ walked the Earth and after his ressurection.

Let's talk about the Book of Mormon for a second. The Book of Mormon was not written by or about a man named Mormon. The Book of Mormon is an account of the people (remember the scattering of Israel in the Holy Bible) who left Jerusalem because of prophecy of things to come (namely the persecution of His people and the horror and destruction that would occur during that time).

During the time that the Holy Bible was being written by the Lord's prophets, the Book of Mormon was also being written by the Lord's prophets on another continent. These people had fled Jerusalem and eventually made it across the water (The Lord told them how to build a boat, just like Noah) to the American continent, and they continued to scatter from there. The Book of Mormon began to be written in about 600 BC and spaaned approximately 800 years. It was engraved on plates of gold and brass and passed on by revelation throughout the years. A man named Mormon (as directed by the Lord) abridged all the plates into one book. At the end of the Book of Mormon, the people of the world fell into apostasy. They became wicked and unrighteous and no one was worthy to hold the priesthood and be called by God as a prophet. The true church fell from the earth for about 1400 years (or so?) Some other Christian churches believe in this apostasy as well.

Now let's talk about Joseph Smith. We do not worship him, as some people think, and we do not believe that he wrote the Book of Mormon. Joseph Smith was a man who, in his time, was confused because there were a billion churches calling themselves followers of Christ and believing in the Bible, and there was much contention and fighting over which was the "right" one. His family was faithful and raised him reading the Bible, and he desired to know which church to join. James chapter 1 verse 5 "If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not: and it shall be given unto him." Joseph Smith said: "Never did any passage of scripture come with more power to the heart of man than this did at this time to mine." So, what did he do? He ASKED God! Naturally. He went into the woods to be alone, and kneeled in deep, sincere prayer, asking the Lord which of the churches to join. Long story short, God appeared to him, along with Jesus Christ and said "none of them." None of them had the "rest of the story" or, as we call it, "the fullness of the gospel." So, the Lord restored the fulness of the gospel through Joseph Smith. Joseph Smith was the first prophet in the restoration of Jesus Christ's church. He was shown where the plates were hidden, and given the power to translate them in order to bring forth the rest of the Scriptures that The Lord intends for His people to have.

Back to the name of the church. As Joseph Smith reorganized Christ's church, he asked God what it should be called and received a similar answer to that above: "For thus shall my church be called in the last days, even The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints." (Doctrine and Covenants 115:4) *side note: Doctrine and Covenants is the book of the revelations of the Lord to His prophet during the restoration of the church.

There is soo much more I could get into on this subject, but not now. I just felt like putting all this stuff in layman's terms so that people could understand my beliefs, and hopefully, respect them, as I respect theirs.

I want to let you know my personal testimony of the Restored Gospel of Jesus Christ. I know that it is true because I have inquired of The Lord. He has given me the knowledge by the comfort and peace of the Holy Spirit that it is true. He would not leave us, during these last days, without guidance which He provides through a loving prophet. I know that the questions left unanswered by other Christian churches can be answered within the pages of The Book of Mormon. I know that God has a plan for us, and I know what that plan is. My family can be a family for eternity, after this crazy world is gone, and peace reigns. I know that Jesus Christ is my Savior and yours, our Redeemer and Brother, and that He will return to Earth. We are in the last dispensation before His return, and I know with all my heart that I have no need to fear because He has shown the way to eternal life.

I encourage you to ask questions, if you have any, and "inquire of the Lord", ASK if any of this is true. If you want to know, He will give you a clear answer. That is my personal testimony in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen

Soooo... any questions? LOL Should my testimony have been it's own post?

I don't know why...

2010-05-11T11:53:00.000-07:00

...I am blogging about this. I really shouldn't tell you people this stuff.

I think almost every day about whether to have more children. My husband would flip if he knew it was on my mind that much. I guess I assume that we will. But that's not smart. In my heart, I hope for a little girl. I even have a name picked out. HA! But I know that it could be impossible.

I don't want to have another child right now, I want to bask in Ben's babyhood and give him all the attention Nate got. I don't want him to lack anything because of having another child too quickly. But also, I know that there are plenty of other people out there that have children close together and they are just fine.

On the other hand, it is downright dangerous for both me and a potential baby if I go trying to get pregnant again. I try to act like it's no big deal, but I really do have a serious condition that makes pregnancy dangerous. I could lose more children to miscarriage, or the baby could have health issues, or (worst-case scenario) I could bleed out and die during childbirth. Now, I don't think that's going to happen, but the point is, it could. Potentially.

I hate to even admit that. I don't want it to be that way. I want to just say when I want to get pregnant and do it. And have a midwife and a home birth. Which brings me to my next point. Because of my medical history, I can't have either. Boo. I know that the health and safety of the mother and child are the most important thing, but...I don't know...I just don't like being pushed around by doctors. Florida is one of the least natural-friendly states in the country. I don't really want to have a baby here. But we will be here for awhile. Which is fine. Like I said, I'm not trying to get pregnant for awhile... but then....

Auuughhh!! I hate this! Why can't I just forget about it until it's time? I don't even like being pregnant!!

Also, there's that whole money thing. We just don't have any. Ha. Yay.

Today is such a weird day. We are all just a bit "off." Well, I don't know about Steven because he left his phone at home. And Nate is actually being pretty normal. So it's just me and the baby. lol

On top of all that, I need to see a doctor for my chronic stomach aches. And birth control.

Is it totally inappropriate that this "family blog" has turned into a personal blog?

A Mother's Day blog

2010-05-08T06:47:00.000-07:00

I really should be doing about a million other things right now, but I wanted to take a moment and feed my new addiction: blogging.

In honor of Mother's Day tomorrow, I feel a little bit emotional. Mother's Day is bittersweet for me for several reasons.

I first met my mom on Mother's Day 2000, when I was 16. I don't really know what else to say about that except that it's weird. Those of you that know me know that I am still unable to have a healthy relationship with her. Enough said.

Then there were a couple of Mother's Days in between having our first child and having our second child that my heart just hurt for the losses that we experienced. So now, every Mother's Day, I think about the children that I can't hold in my arms, and about all the other "wanna-be" mothers that are unable to hold the children that they so strongly wish for. It makes me very sad for all the not-yet-mothers that sit in church listening to all the Mother's Day stuff, dying inside because they are so far unable to fulfill their biggest dream, becoming a mother, for whatever reason. Some have not yet found a mate, some having physically been unable to conceive, some, like me, have conceived and lost a child (or more than one). It just hurts to think about it.

At the same time, Mother's Day is a day to remember all the women throughout my life who have been a surrogate mother to me. I was raised by a wonderful father who did the best he could, but he was a man, and things were difficult for him at times. I appreciate so much all the friends' mothers, and teachers, and neighbors, etc, who stepped in to help out when my dad needed the help of a woman in raising me. My 3rd grade teacher, Mrs. Riffle, took me to the mother/daughter ice cream social at school. My best friend's mother, Cindy Azbill, combed my long hair when my dad was afraid to because I would cry. Jolyne Nickle, my LDS mama, taught me how to respect and glorify my role as a wife and mother. My dad's first wife, Zarayah, never let me forget that I was beautiful, smart, and creative. Even my step-mother, who made things very hard for me at times, gave me one thing- an understanding and appreciation for modesty.

There have been so many women, too many to name. I just really appreciate all of them, and some of them, I love deeply. They truly filled a void.

And, the best part about Mother's Day is that I have two wonderful little boys to share it with. My husband gave me the most touching card this week, and it says (among other things) "how happy it makes me to know that the wonderful woman I love is also the best mother a child could have." Wow. I mean, I know he didn't write it, but still. I have everything I could ever wish for. A husband who recognizes how hard I try to be a good mother to our children, and 2 little boys that love me more than anything.

I bought Nate a $2 plastic gun that shoots foam darts as a reward for being such a good big brother and helping me out without me asking him to. When I took it off the shelf and gave it to him, he thanked me by hugging my leg really tight and saying "Thanks Mommy, you're the best mommy in the whole world and I love you!" Now that's what it's all about.

I am so impressed with myself...

2010-05-06T07:34:00.000-07:00

Wow, I just blogged the other day and here I go again! LOL

I just had to get stuff off my chest again. I guess this is a vent blog...sorry!
I'm just so bummed out right now about everything going on.

First, the Nashville flooding. It's really depressing seeing the images. It's also sad that it's not gaining more national attention... I so wish I could go up there and DO something. Not that I can, having a piece-o-junk vehicle and a month old baby...but I would if I could! I have friends that have been greatly affected by the flooding, and some that have narrowly escaped the devastation. Again, the photos and videos are just heartbreaking. I lived in Nashville longer than I have lived anywhere in my whole life! 5 yrs, yeah, big whoop to some people, but for me, that's a lot. I don't want to talk about it anymore. It's very depressing.

Then, the huge oil spill. Ugh! So sad. It's not as close to the Florida coastline as I thought, so that's good. But really, I don't care about how it affects ME. Although it would suck if we weren't able to go to the beach, but that would be a long way off. But this is our OCEAN! Our oceans have such a huge impact on our environment, it's just not something that should be totally screwed up. Auuughhh!!! I'm so frustrated that they can't even stop the leak yet. It's just oooooozing all over the ocean permanently messing with a precious ecosystem.

It bothers me.

You know what else bothers me? When people question you about your personal parenting choices. Why do other people care what I do? I understand people are curious, and that we are not the most conventional, and that sometimes, we are borderline hippie. But I like it! lol

We co-sleep. Yes, the baby sleeps right in the bed with us. We don't own a crib. Same with Nate, and he had no problems going in his own bed at 10 months old, and in his own room at 14ish months.
I breastfeed, and I plan to do so past the 1 year mark.
We cloth diaper. I should say I cloth diaper, because I do most of the diaper changing. lol
I "wear" my baby whenever and wearever possible. I wish I could more.
We don't "cry it out." Ever. Didn't with Nate either, and he is NOT spoiled. Not one bit.
I had a drug free birth because I WANTED to. I realize "God gave us epidurals" or whatever, but drug free was way better and I'd do it again in a heartbeat. At home, if possible.
I also plan to make my own baby food when the time comes.
I buy organic as much as possible when I can afford to. It drives me crazy that the nearest Whole Foods is almost 30 miles away.
We are sticklers about what our kids eat (and most of all, DON'T eat), carseats, manners, and if/when necessary, schedules.
I rarely wear makeup and I don't care. :)
I wear ugly sandals all the time that are borderline Birkenstocks, because they are Dr. Scholl's and they don't hurt my feet.

Am I a crunchy granola hippie? Maybe. I don't care though. LOL And, I really don't care what you do either!

So there.

This is not a family update...ok, it is.

2010-05-03T13:13:00.000-07:00

I need to start a personal blog and not a family blog, but I am feeling too lazy right now...

I am the worst blogger EVER and I should not even be allowed to have a blog! The problem is, I think about updating it, and then I think of something more important to do. It's almost like I secretly don't want anybody to know anything. Ha. If that were true I wouldn't blab my big mouth about everything.

I hate that I am such a contradiction. When I first meet people I am all open and tell them way too much about myself. Then I wish I could take it back. I don't want people to judge me based on all that stuff. But at the same time, I actually don't care. I wish I was shy like my husband. But then I don't because I would go crazy without other women to talk to. Sometimes I want things to be all about HANNAH, but then sometimes I wish everyone would forget I exist. What the heck is wrong with me? I think I need professional help.

What has been going on lately is this:

Baby Ben is growing so fast, it's amazing and I love him. He is so darn cute and smiles at everyone. He went to the pediatrician today for the first time since his 2 weeks appointment (because we moved), and he is healthy. He is in the 92% range for height. Duh. My kids are tall. Nate was 91%.

Nate is starting preschool in the fall. Florida has a free preschool program. Good because otherwise he couldn't go. He is so excited, but I am scared because he's never been in daycare before and I don't want him to bring all the cooties home to the baby! Also at the pediatrician, we found out he has a heart murmur. Don't worry, it's not dangerous, it plays music! Haha. Really, it's called an "innocent" murmur, meaning not harmful, and he will probably grow out of it. But it really does play a little tune, so they call it musical. He also has big tonsils, and the Dr said we need to watch out for sleep apnea. If he gets choked up in his sleep, and stops breathing for a sec, he might have to have his tonsils taken out. Yay. I really want my almost 4 yr old to have surgery! NOT!!!! Ugh. I hate doctors.

Steven is working at Comcast. Everyone keeps asking how he likes it, because I think they can tell that he doesn't? Not really true. He is in training right now, which is boring, but he will like it once he gets out there on his own. He likes to troubleshoot and solve problems. But also, he really wants to finish his degree and teach. So it's hard to go to an 8-5 job everyday when he knows it's just putting off his degree...it's hard, but for right now, it's what we're doing because we need the money.

I don't want to talk about how I am. And the baby is waking up anyway, so THERE. lol

I will try to keep this up better. Haha I say that every time. FOr the record, I haven't written in my journal either.

Wow, I really should have read over my past blogs before writing this one...I left a lot of 'gaps'...Sorry!

2009-11-09T09:41:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I haven't updated this in a while. I have always been really bad at journaling, so I guess I'm not too much better at blogging. But I am thankful for the internet, because I do have a few blogs on MySpace, and notes on Facebook, and this, (not to mention the many message board posts on CafeMom and Ivillage). Maybe someday I will track all that down and print them out and put them in a book so I don't have to feel so guilty about not recording my life for my posterity.

Anyway, nothing new is really going on since my last post. I am still pregnant, which I am grateful for every day. I am constantly reminded that my 2nd son is in there by the little kicks and sometimes hard punches I feel throughout the day and night. Sometimes it's very uncomfortable and I know it will become more so as he gets bigger, but I try to think of it as a blessing and not an annoyance. I'm glad he constantly lets me know that he's alright in there. I am 26-27 weeks along right now and the 3rd trimester starts at week 28, so soon I will be in the home stretch. At that point, I will have to go in for weekly monitoring-ultrasounds, non-stress tests, etc. We will have to keep an eye on things a little closer due to the clotting thing that I have. My dosage of blood thinners will go up, but I won't have to do any additional injections, just more medicine in each one. Yes, my stomach is suffering from the injections. It's all bruised up and hard to find a new place to do it each morning and night, but I still try not to complain because it is what's keeping me and my baby alive and healthy at the moment.

Physically, I am in pretty good shape right now. I will find out tomorrow how much overall weight I've gained, but 4 weeks ago, it was 14 lbs, and will be surprised if I've gained 4 lbs since then. I am trying to save it all for the third trimester because I remember that's when my appetite went up, and my cravings became stronger. I have doing prenatal yoga, which is keeping me strong and gets me to stretch and breathe. It's wooooonderful, and I intend to continue yoga after birth. When I get time, that is.....

This isn't really a pregnancy blog, so I'll keep going.

Nate had a good Halloween. See my Facebook for pictures. He was young Obi Wan Kenobi, and it was so funny hearing him try to say it in all different ways. He finally got it down to "Obi Kenobi Wan." Close enough....he doesn't really know who he is, except that he's in Star Wars and carries a lightsaber. That was all he really wanted out of his costume....we went to a town thing, and they were kind of stingy on the candy, but we don't really need all that candy around here anyway, so it was just right. We are all three a bit apprehensive around crowds (some worse than others, this time it was me!) so it was nice to see Mom and Dad Nickle there!!

Nate is a big talker now. He talks all the time, narrates everything he does, and asks me all kinds of questions. So far, I have yet to hear "Why?" I am not counting down the days for that one....He loves playing with the dog even though he sometimes bullies her. I try so hard to get him to treat her nicer, but I think it's something to do with the fact that she's a dog, he just doesn't understand it the way he does with people. He doesn't bully other kids (that I know of) and I try to explain that Mandy is our friend, and we should treat her like we treat our friends, and also how we want to be treated. But sometimes, he is just a 3 yr old and doesn't listen to Mommy....

Mandy is very tolerant of any teasing that she gets, which is what makes her a good dog. The problems we had with her in the beginning don't exist anymore. Although, we do still block her in the bedrooms at night. The other night, she did get through the block and get some chicken bones off the counter, but I don't sleep very deeply, and heard her, yelled at her, and she came sheepishly back in the bedroom and layed down for the rest of the night. Lesson learned: before I go to bed, must check the kitchen counter for straggler edible items...Also, if you leave anything outside, and she is out there for a while, she will chew on it. Shoes, toys, and yes, even the handle of a broom! Only on the back porch, like it's her territory or something...so again, I often check to make sure everything is put away before she goes out. She does play fetch now! Yay! Her favorite is a frisbee. Who knew?

Steven is trudging through life. He is coping with the stress of work and school by playing extra WoW. I try not to complain because I understand, since I used to play. But I hope he lays of a lot when the new baby comes. He is doing well in school but it is soooo hard doing online classes and working overtime! I help him study for his Geography tests, and I am learning about world events along the way, it's kind of cool. AND, I discovered I CAN do Algebra. Hahahaha, I sit with him sometimes if he gets stuck on a concept and try to talk him through it, it works very well. Sometimes, it's the best quality time we get!
He is getting excited about the baby. Actually I would say "cautiously happy." It is very hard when you have gone through what we have gone through to get your hopes up. I think everything will be okay, but I can say that because I get to feel everything. He just has to take my word for it. It's even scary to me to get my hopes up, but I try not to think about it too much.

I will try to keep this updated better, but I'm afraid it's hard to get going because I don't often feel that I have much to say. Maybe I will post goals so I can check up on them next time.

Here are my current goals:
I need to get to the temple. This is the farthest I've lived from one since I've had a recommend (2 1/2 hrs), and I haven't been since we moved here. It's hard going from once a week, or close, to not in the last 4 1/2 months!

Actually that's the only one on my mind right now. See you next time!

Baby update

2009-08-18T14:17:00.000-07:00

So......went to the doctor today. Got some blood test results.....I have a blood clotting disorder....I forget what it's called, but basically, my body doesn't produce enough of the enzyme required to control amino acids which prevent clotting.......this basically means that I am more prone to blood clots than the average person. It is something I have always had, but never knew, and probably never would have known, because the test for it isn't very common. You normally only get it if you have a huge dignostic workup, or have repeated miscarriages (me), or are treated for a blood clot. Soooo.......in order to prevent complications for the baby, or for me, throughout this pregnancy, I will have to go on Heparin (blood thinner) injections, twice a day, everyday, until 1 month postpartum.....yay. I have done these injections before, and it's really only an inconvenience, plus I will have ugly bruises all over my stomach for the next 7ish months....but it sucks. I feel sorry for myself a little bit, but if it helps me to have a baby, I will get over it!

There are no guarantees, but there never are....

In other news.......our dog Mandy, is doing well, Nate is turning into the 3 yr old from you-know-where. Not really, I feel kind of bad for making it seem worse than it is, but there are moments where I don't even know him, it seems. He was never one for tantrums, really. But lately....*sigh* when it comes to naptime, or not getting his way....he just is not the same kid! Yeesh.....but he's still a good kid, and he sure loves his mommy. He cuddles more now, which is great!! But he also cries more....not the sad kind of cry, but the annoying, grating, "I'm 3 and I didn't get my way so I'm going to punish you with noise" kind of cry. Ha ha. It's really not funny when he's doing it though....

Oh AND, in GOOD baby news, our "big" ultrasound is scheduled for September 15th. We are going to find out the gender of the baby. I debated not finding out, but I am not good with surprises. I like them, I am just not patient enough. Plus I am a planner, and I like to be prepared.

That's all for now, folks. Join us next time for another bland edition of Minkus News......

Lately

2009-08-07T11:50:00.001-07:00

I am sitting here in kiddie handcuffs- Nate's new favorite toy. Amazing that I can type in handcuffs.....guess I could take them off. Okay, so I don't have much to say today, but I figure I better stay in the habit of keeping this up to date, or I will trickle off...

I am learning why people say terrible threes is more accurate than terrible twos. I feel like I am constantly "correcting" my son. Which is to say, trying not to yell all the time. He is sort of mean to the dog. He doesn't know it's mean, but he doesn't realize that you can't ride a dog, or choke it, or smack it on the head, etc..... the dog is VERY tolerant. Sometimes I wish she would give him a little growl....

Speaking of the dog, she is fine. We are all adjusting. No more accidents since my last blog. Although she is a sneaky little devil, and if you don't block off the kitchen and livingroom at night, she WILL find something to get into. She only does it at night, so I know she knows she's naughty.

I am doing the same pregnancy wise. I still feel sick and gross, and tired. Hoping it passes soon. I am sick of being a lazy bum. I feel like I am anti-social too. Not on purpose though. I still feel isolated. The only thing different about being in Chino Valley instead of Paulden is that we have cable. Lol, I know there are other differences too, but I still feel lonely.

That's about it. Sorry it's not more positive *big fake grin*

(sigh) the dog

2009-07-30T08:39:00.000-07:00

So, new developments with "the dog." Yes, I know she has a name...

She pooped on the floor! Twice! AND peed once..... ummm, so why did it take several days for her to show her true potty habits? Her intake sheet said she was housebroken...so, either the people lied, or she is having issues. She has never told us when she needed to go out which is kind of a warning sign. When you take her out, she doesn't run out and pee immediately, which is what most dogs do. They take advantage of being outside and "go" while they can! So that was a signal.

I don't really know what to do here, because she is not an outside dog. So I can't just have her outside most of the time. She would freak out. We could get a crate and have her sleep in it at night, and put her in it, or outside, when we leave the house. We have never caught her in the act, so it's not like we can "train" her out of it. Once was when we were gone for only a couple hours, and the other was last night while we were sleeping. So, maybe she knows it's wrong. AND her seperation anxiety would make crating hard at this age.

I guess the other option is to trade her in, so to speak. You have a 10 day trial period with any rescued dog, to make sure it's the right fit. We could, theoretically bring her back and get a different dog, and possibly solve our other issues that way. A dog without seperation anxiety, that knows how to play, that is hopefully housebroken. But that would only mess up Mandy more, getting "dropped off" again. Not that she wouldn't get adopted, if the right person came along. But again, I don't want to make her worse :( and you never know what you're going to get with the next one either.

So, I am at a loss. I thought writing a blog would help me figure out what to do, but so far, nothin'. :P Here I go to think on it some more....

"Announcement"

2009-07-29T07:49:00.000-07:00

So, for those of you who don't know already, we are 12 weeks pregnant. This is my 6th pregnancy and I only have one child, so you can guess the rest. I had this ultrasound done yesterday morning, and it revealed a healthy baby. Healthy at this point basically just means measuring the right age. This is the furthest I've made it out of all the losses, so it's great news!

Now, I know that this doesn't mean that nothing bad can happen. When you go through what we have been through, I think you are permanently changed. You never look at pregnancy the same. You know that it ain't over 'til that baby is in your arms, and it's vital signs are good. So while we are "realistic," we are also hopeful that we will be welcoming a new life into our family early next year.

My official due date is Valentines Day! How cute :) We think it's a girl, but will find out for sure in 2 months. We are open to naming suggestions. I think it's appropriate to name this one since we have seen it. If something did happen, I would like it to have an identity. I feel bad that the lost babies didn't have identities, but it was too early for me to have an impression about gender. This is about how far along I was with Nate when I started feeling strongly that he was a boy.

So, for names, if you have any ideas, I would like something a little traditional/old-fashioned (but not too common), and romantic, since it's Valentines, if you can use romantic as an adjective for a name..... Naming Nate took a long time, so this one might also. We had a girl name sort of (almost) picked out before we found out he was a boy, but we were stumped when it came to boy names. So, we are trying to prepare for either one this time.

I am realizing as I write this blog that it's more for me than anyone else, so oh well. :)

And about Mandy, she's doing fine. Still trying to get her to play, but she does run around with us a bit more in the backyard, and we left her alone in the house for awhile yesterday, and she was just fine. Right now, she is laying at my feet asleep, like normal.

Mandy the dog

2009-07-27T08:46:00.000-07:00

So, here is her story:

We went to the local shelter looking for a dog on Saturday. We just moved in to a house that has a big fenced backyard, and Nate is about at the right age for a dog. He just loves dogs, and we thought it would be good to start him young on proper "pet etiquette" and teaching him to be a "pack leader" as Cesar Millan would say. www.cesarmillaninc.com if you want to look him up.

Having a dog teaches children a lot, and our family was finally ready to take on the responsibility. We had dogs, in our pre-child life, and Steven is quite the "dog whisperer" so it has been a bit odd (though necessary with all of our changes lately) that we have been dogless for so long.

Anyway, about Mandy. In her "past life" she was a family dog, surrendered to the Humane Society onlya week or so ago. Her intake sheet said the owners' reason for surrender was "can't keep her"....hmmm, mysterious....

I need to back up a minute. We went to the Humane Society, and Animal Control, next door, looking to "fall in love". None of the dogs stuck out as "the one," which is weird because it's not hard to fall in love at a shelter. We noticed there were a lot of empty kennels, so we asked the man at the desk if there were more, and he said they were having an adoption event off site, so we drove over to check it out. Long story short, we walked up to the Humane Society booth and I saw her first. She laying on the floor very calmly, just watching people walk by. I went right up to her and looked in her eyes. I could tell she was sweet, and gentle, which is exactly what we were looking for: A mellow dog that wouldn't knock our little guy over, or get too rough with him while playing. I asked the volunteers about her, and they gave me her file, which was basically a questionnaire filled out by the previous owners, and a bill of health. It said she was around children ages 0-2, very gentle, no behavioral problems, housebroken, leash trained, etc. Sounds great. She was the dog for us. Everyone there was so happy to see her go with us. They all gushed about how sweet she was.

It didn't hurt that the Humane Society had an adoption special this month-only $40 to adopt and it's usually $90 or something. Includes all her shots and microchip! Good timing on our part.

So on the way out, she was great on a leash. We immediately established dominance by not letting her walk in front of the family. She stayed to the side or back a little. She was a little bit excited to be leaving, we could tell, but still mellow. She was ready to get in the car, she jumped right in! When we started driving, we noticed she had come up to front by us, which we thought was sweet, but little did we know....

We took her to PetSmart, as we didn't have any dishes, food, toys, collar, leash, so we bought what we needed and were on our way home. She didn't do very well in the store. She became very clingy, a bit scared in the store. It may have had something to do with the guy who came right up to her and tried to shove a holistic, organic treat in her mouth without asking our permission. That made me so mad! People should not give dogs or children treats without talking to the parents! It takes trust for children and pets to accept treats from strangers, and I don't want my kid, or my dog trusting any old random person. People who do this: make a note! Anyway, after that, she was stuck to Steven and I like glue.

So, in general, after a few days, Mandy's behavior is thus: she is still very calm, sweet, cuddley even. She is very tolerant of any "over attention" given her by the toddler of the house, and eager to please. She hasn't eaten much since we have been home, so whether she is picky or jsut adjusting, I don't know yet, but I am not buying different dog food until she is satisfied. No, she can be happy with Iams. It's the good stuff! Well, the best we can afford anyway :P
Her issues are: she doesn't play! I think she is just on the submissive side and maybe was never played with. But we intend to teach her. She won't chew her rawhide bone, or chase a ball. She doesn't get more than 5 feet from us when we are outside, which is not a bad thing, but you can tell she lacks confidence. She does allow the boy to pull her around on a leash, most of the time. If she's feeling lazy and doesn't want to go, there's not much he can do about it, because she's way too heavy for him to get up from a laying position. But we are trying to teach him to use commands and be assertive....tough for a 3 yr old, but we'll get there.

Mandy is becoming a member of the family. We have decided she is not allowed to sleep in our room. She goes to sleep in Nate's room, she is Nate's dog, and that's what we want. Dogs tend to become a little co-dependant on Steven because he is so dominant, they think they have to please him 24/7 and it sort of gets on his nerves. I wouldn't like it if she was in my face all the time either. She respects me, and loves me, but she isn't needy with me like she is with Steven. So he is separating himself from her so that she can be Nate's dog. She is taking to it quite well. And boy does he love it! He giggles when she's on his bed and she gives him a lick, or stretches , or rubs up against his foot.

She has some separation anxiety. We haven't left her alone in the house yet for this reason. I think she just has an abandonment issue from her past owners, and she will get better. This morning I had Steven leave her outside when he left for work at 5am, and she scratched at the door and whined most of the time. One that knows dogs knows not to respond to this behavior if you want it to stop, so I just tried to ignore it. By the time Nate got up, she had stopped, so I had him let her in. He loves having a bit of responsibility, so feeding her, taking her outside, walking her around on the leash, just thrill him!

This has been a very long post, so I am terribly sorry if you got bored. But hopefully I will stick with it and post her progress. Item 1: teaching Mandy to play.

And may I just say, the most annoying sound in the world (to me, right now) is the sound of a dog licking or chewing itself. Thank you.

Introduction

2009-07-27T08:36:00.000-07:00

I decided to start a blog because we added a dog to our family, and I thought it would be neat to track her progess. Her name is Mandy, she's a one-year old Black lab/border collie mix and a shelter dog. She has some mild issues, and I have been looking for help with them, but I can't find anyone with exactly her issues, so I thought I would write a blog about figuring out on my own.

Then, I started thinking, maybe if "break the seal" with the blog writing, I can begin to finally write about other things happening in my life. I have become a more private person lately than I used to be. People close to me would probably never know that, but it's true. I used to be one of those people that would just tell you my whole life story upon meeting you, and then think later "Geez, I said too much, they probably think I'm crazy!" So maybe, this is a good thing!

The other thing is, I'm not a very good writer, so this blog will probably only be interesting if you are interested in the content. The writing will not be captivating by itself.... Oh well.

Also, I might need some help in keeping this moving so I don't just lay it aside like the "book" I started writing a few months ago, that only got about 5 pages. So if you have anything you would like me to write about, please tell me, and I will try to do it. Like those exercises in school where they give you a topic and you just have to write something to keep your chops in shape.

So here I go...wish me luck! :)